its ok to sleep now......

day 6 **something you hope you never have to do**

when i was 8 my dad drove us all an hour north of my childhood home to a farm.. when we walked through the gate the owner let her German Shepherds out from the back and a mass of puppies came running our way. but the one at the back, that was bigger than the rest and much slower "ran" to my mum and laid between her feet..

that was Ben..

he came home and kept us safe and amused and occupied for the next 13 years. he was huge and smart and loved his tennis balls. he swam fearlessly  into the waves at the beach and took up way too much room next to you on the lounge. sometimes when i was home from school and he didn't know and thought he was alone, i would hear him crying. he would sit at the gate and howl..until he saw me at the front door..i loved him..

but as he got older his hips started to go..then one day i got a call from my dad to come home. 2 of my brothers, my dad and i stayed with Ben in his own room at the front of the house, while the vet gave him "the shot". i held his paw. his front paw. and he looked into my eyes..i tried not to cry because i didn't want him to be scared.. then he just closed his eyes and went to sleep...

i cried as much today writing this as i did when i left there that day 21 years ago.. some sadness never goes away, you just learn not to go near it..

i hope i never have to hold someone elses hand while they go to sleep...archee, chucky, my brothers, my dad...my soul sister, my beautiful friends...anyone..

but if i am here...then i will...