what to do..........

day 24 **the reason you believe you're still alive today**

i don't really know why I'm alive.

i could take a guess but that's all it would be, & I always keep in mind i might be wrong about everything. absolutely everything.

but what would my guess look like....

maybe I'm still alive because i haven't learnt all the lessons i need to learn yet. this is possibly my least favourite of all guesses. because i don't like to feel as though I'm in a big spiritual school, complete with tests, judgements, passes and rigorous and consistent resitting of those tests that i am deemed to have "failed".

or maybe I'm alive to help someone else. do we all go there?  what is that deep desire to help someone else all about? for me its been the realisation through experience that helping someone else is the only way to be truly selfless. and in that moment of selflessness theres a release that the human spirit  craves. you can get it from adrenalin, you can get it from creativity but in selflessness there exists something else. a connection. a feeling of everything being exactly as its meant to be. so maybe that's why I'm here. to help.

but at the top of my guess list, keeping in mind that i could be totally wrong, i believe im still alive because i got lucky. more than once, more than twice. i don't think theres a reason I'm still here as such. but i do believe that while I'm here its my responsibility to learn and grow and change. life is a gift.

i believe that, simply because i am human, i need to be humbled. that i need to learn to connect, to love, to be loved. that i have much to give and much yet to be taken away. i believe in the human experience and that it is not to be dismissed or controlled.

i don't really know why I'm here. i don't ask myself that question anymore. today i ask myself what I'm going to do with it.......

Short break in proceedings……

As u all know I'm in Hawaii. I thought i would blog while i was here but it seems the allure of shopping, eating, swimming and pumpkin spice lattes has gotten the better of my creativity. Or on a more honest level, these distractions have gotten the better of my routine :)

So I will be back… but not today… more likely when I'm home. At my PC. So i can write as I like to write. Relaxed, pensively and with chucky obscuring the screen..

Big love. Back in 7 days

Xxxx

theres still time.....

day 23 **something you wish you had done in your life**

i guess theres a few opportunities I've had that i didn't take up. i couldve had a child. i couldve stayed living in America. i couldve stayed living in the UK. i couldve kept modelling when i was twenty. i couldve been married by now. i couldve stayed at uni; both times i started !!

but at the time, when those chances were there, i chose to walk a different path. and I'm happy about that today. I'm living the life i have chosen, not a life directed by circumstances

and the truth is i might still have and/or raise a child. i might end up living in the states or the UK. maybe if i get a veneer make over and learn how to walk like a lady again i could do some middle age modelling :-) i could start uni again someday. i don't know whats in store for me. but i know i feel a level of contentment and at times excitement about the unknown.

i have no regrets. i have sad memories and character lines in my soul. but i have no regrets. and life is full of do-overs.