actually...i dont know....

day 26 **what is the best thing you have going for you right now**

"i know"...i wonder how many times Ive said that in my life... "i know"

or more to the point, i wonder how many times I've said it hoping it would act as a loud and clear "STOP" to anyone offering me whatever unsolicited opinion/experience/advice they were about to give me. wether or not i actually knew..........................

for much of my life I've been afraid to not know. afraid to be vulnerable. afraid of looking bad, of making mistakes. and so to cover that most stifling of human characteristics, pride, i have given the emotional equivalent of a massive and very firm physical block..   "i know"..   it is the essence of contempt prior to investigation, that which blocks any chance of me adding something new to my experiences...

but being stuck in that place, albeit unwittingly for most of it, has cost me dearly. and through much surrender borne of pain and separation, I have begun to see that i don't know very much. at all. and much of what i do know is not very useful and is taking up space.

for so long I've had to rely on myself. or so i thought. I've never been much good at asking for help. especially with things i think i should already know. but who wrote the book on what i should know at 42. and could somebody please tell me where i can get a copy of it !!!

the best thing i have going for me right now is that i am teachable. and for someone who needs to be taught that's a good place to be in...

I surrender...

day 25 **have you ever thought about giving up on life and if so when and why?**

i want to say no. i want to say that i possess such an unerring lust for life that nothing and no one has ever ever caused me to lose my inherent will to live. but the truth is, that has not been my experience.

why is it embarrassing to admit that i have given up on life at times. why is there such pressure to be seamlessly carefree and happy. why is it considered weak to, at times, be weak.


i have bounced back. but never before i have hit the bottom.

i used to think that there would be one almighty rock bottom to hit in my life, and i waited and waited to hit that harder than all the rest low. but it seems to me now that each experience of loss or sadness or grief has it own deepest point.

the loss of a parent, the incomparable engulfing disappointment of heartbreak, the seemingly bottomless well of sadness when a little furry baby looks in your eyes for the last time. and the list is longer and theres more to come. and each experience has its own start. its own ebb and flow. and thankfully its own end. before the bounce back. and in some of those moments, more than once and less than a handful of times, i have felt such deep despair at ever healing that for a moment i have given up. i have, more than once looked to the heavens and become still.. with no fight left ...


and i have been shown grace.

each time i have given up i have been shown grace...



its been a while since i last gave up. but i am human. deeply flawed and with such immense potential to burn everything i know in a universal instant, that i simply live here now and trust that grace is watching over me and will carry me when i throw myself down once again. as i will, in my attempt to shed my spiritual maladies..