is it a good thing or a bad thing?..........

day 22  **something you wish you hadnt done in your life**

im hesitant to name anything as something i wish i hadnt done. what if that one thing changed the next thing i did. and the next and the next. til there were enough next things to qualify it as a course.

what if the course of my life had changed. where would i be now? somewhere "better" perhaps? maybe. or somwhere "worse"?

ive never known if an action im taking is a good thing or a bad thing in that moment. i dont have enough of the future answers in my hot little hand to know if my life is going in the right direction. i have done some things in my life that seemed to blow up in my face hard core. that seemed to create more distress and hurt and fear than anything ive ever known. and in that moment had you aked me my judgement of that i wouldve told you; "how could i have been so stupid. if i had my time again i would never do that!!!" and yet in hindsight those actions have taken me down new roads.

new roads of discovery about who i am, how i got to be this way and what i can do to discard some of that old stuff. make some space for the universe to redecorate my inner world which once was so dark and sad.

today my life is brilliant. its bright and happy and i am free. what a journey to get here. and if i could go back and do it all again i would have to do it the same. because if i didnt i might not end up here. and right now there is nowhere ide rather be. and that is a gift that i am incredibly grateful for.

in for life........

day 21 **your best friend is in a car accident and the two of you got into fight an hour before. what do you do**

i have to start by saying i have never had an actual "fight" with either of my two closest friends. i met them both 6 months apart when we were all working for the same company almost ten years ago now. and those two relationships  have stood the test of time but more importantly they have prevailed through all three of us going through major life changes many times.

both my BFFs (i swore i wouldn't use that term but there..its done!!) are now with their life partners and have kids (some of them human, some of them of the furry variety). we have all struggled through various relationship issues and done it together and shared those experiences. we have supported and encouraged each other through career changes, living location changes, family issues, financially difficult and financially fun times, health problems, and so much more. we have had thousands and thousands of coffees..we have walked a million steps through shopping centres and said countless times "oh i def think you should get that"  

there has been death. of relationships, people, pets, jobs. there has been sadness at moving away from each other. and there has been much happiness at births and additions and successes. and through all of that as i look back at those two relationships i dont remember one angry word between us. because i am blessed to have friends who are responsible for themselves and have amazing boundaries so that we are able to connect without taking away from each other leaving the other scared and in need of protection, which seems to me to be the basis for any battleground. we take care of ourselves first and in that are able to be together and take care of each other

but if in the future there was to be an argument for some reason i would do whatever was needed. i committed to these relationships a long time ago and i am in them for life. so we would work through whatever the issue was but in that moment of crisis the argument would be put aside and i would go to my friend. and i would stay. day and night. until there was no need for me to do that anymore....and i know that they would both do that for me without a second thought.

stop looking inside the bottle......

day 20 **your views on alcohol**

when i was growing up i watched someone i loved dearly die slowly and over many years, due to alcohol. she was a beautiful, smart, vivacious woman with a fantastic sense of humour. she had been a national sports woman, a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend. she had the most beautiful voice when she spoke with her thick danish accent. her hazel eyes were sweet and shy. she was just over five foot tall in a family where the rest of us were around six foot. she was incredible.

until she drank...........................

then she was unable to be a wife, a mother or anything else she had signed up for in life. her voice became loud and frightening and her small frame became powerful and violent. that violence was understandably fuelled by a haunting start in her own life. she would live out her need to fight back and  be stronger and faster than the enemy this time. except there was no enemy and her battle was in vain. and super destructive to all that she had created.

then one night, at fifty one, when i was eighteen, she died. she just died. her body gave up. all that alcohol had taken its toll and her body would not regenerate itself for one more round.

so what part does alcohol play in this?

i should hate alcohol.

but i don't.




because every single day i see people drinking socially with impunity. for a social glow. for fun. because they can. and i don't ever begrudge a single soul their chance to unwind, slow down, get a little too chatty..or a little too flirty..or whatever it is that happens when they take a drink.

my view on alcohol is that it is innocuous. that clearly there are problems with some peoples reactions to alcohol but that that is the actual problem. each persons specific reaction. theres no denying that we as a society, in Australia anyway, have massive alcohol related issues. but the problem is not inside the bottle. its inside the person.

if i drink and i have an adverse reaction then the problem is inside me. what happens after that has been identified is a whole 'nother blog

just clueless enough.....

day 19 **what do you think of religion? or what do you think of politics**

i don't have any strong views on either. because when i do i find myself becoming righteous or annoyed and having opinions about issues that invariably, and through choice, i know very little about.

i have not studied in depth any religious or political books, texts, or any other forms of literature. i have read some, but have not studied.

i choose not a member of any church, religious society or political party.

to be completely honest i really don't  know much about politics. i  know enough to get me by and the more the heat is on a politician, the more i know about them at that time. but as soon as the heat is off and they are out of the limelight, they are out of my mind.

and the other? i am blessed to have deep faith and trust that there is a power out there that is far greater than any human power..and that's all i need to know..religion is for those who don't want to go to hell, and spirituality is for those of us who been there and don't want to go back..

escapism.....

day 17 ** a book that youve read that changed your views on something**

growing up i lived with my head in books. when i wasnt at band camp. what a cool kid i was (nt). reading was my escape. i remember always  having a dictionary with me and every word i didnt understand i would look up, read over and over then go back and read that section again with my new understanding. i loved words. i loved the way they made me feel. that i could go.. away..in my head, when my body was so often trapped where i was.

i still love words. and my love of reading has grown to a love of writing and through that connecting with others. we all have our ways of communicating. art, song, dance...i take photos to capture feelings in a moment that i believe to be universal.

and to connect i look to words.

i dont think ive ever read a book that has changed my views on something. however, i do think that as a result of reading alot through my life i have been moulded in some ways but that the changes would be imperceptible at that last page.

if i was to say anything about reading it would be that reading lots and lots of sci fi has always made me think and look at bigger more diverse options about what humans are capable of and what is potentially "out there". sci fi has always made me feel excited that perhaps there is so much more than what is happening in my world at this moment ie work, bills, sleep repeat...

ive done my time in the self help section, the cooking section and the exercise books. i have read history, politics, romance and thrillers..im grateful that i have always found solace in reading...

allergies......

day 16 **someone or something you could definitely live without**

i can live without alcohol.

i had my first drink when i was about 12. blue light disco, summer, my school friends and a cheap bottle of sparkly wine. seemed innocent enough. and it was. for a while.

but alcohol, once my closest friend, my confidante, the trick to getting out of my shell and into the world, turned on me in my late 20s.

i am someone who has a drink and watches the world change. from something that is scary and big and astonishingly difficult to navigate my way around as others appear to do with ease...into a garden of fun and friendship designed just for me. at least that what it looks like.. to me.

what it looks like to everyone else is, they stay the same and i become an obnoxious pain. not always..but mostly.

i am allergic to alcohol. it makes me break out in "geez someone get her out of here"..so i just dont drink..at all..and without it i am free to live...

not at the price of peace......

day 15 **something or someone you couldn't live without because you've tried living without it**

when i was growing up i played guitar with a girlfriend at church on Sundays. i used to know alot of cool church songs. yes, there are some very cool church songs.

then when i hit my early 20s i started seeking. i have looked at structured western religions, i have spent time making flower offerings to Krishna at the temples and gotten up at 430am at murwillimbah to chant. i have spent time in quiet contemplation with the satyananda yoga crowd. i have gone to meditation classes in new york where we focused on the spleen to release anger, in an attempt to remove calamity from inside my body. i have spent 10 days in noble silence practising vipassana..more than once

and all these things i have done in pursuit of one thing. peace.

all i have ever wanted is peace. ide like to say I'm a crusader and I'm talking about world peace but i am essentially selfish and self centred (although i try not to live from that place). so what i am talking about is peace within.

i have lived a life that has been incredibly exciting, moving all over the world, meeting amazing people, years of hedonistic excesses and irresponsibility. i have lived through trauma and grief and sadness. i have worked in theatre and film and hospitality and had a thousand other different jobs.

i wouldn't change a minute of my life but until recently i have done all that and lived most of it with no peace.

now that i have peace i cannot live without it. because i have before. i will not go back to that. i still live a fun exciting busy life full of creativity and passion. but not at the price of peace.

turning toward the light..........

Day 13 **a band or artist that has gotten you through a tough time**

To be honest finding solace in music or a particular artist of some sort is not where I go when times are tough. Which doesn't mean that I am not moved incredibly by art of most types, because i am. And I too live to create. But when I hit an emotional storm, self generated or not, I'm more of a hang out with my close friends, shop and eat kinda girl. And if those things don't distract me long enough for the storm to pass then I will turn to my strong spriritual connection.

At the toughest times in my life this is where i have turned and it's something i cultivate when things are good knowing that there will be times where no human power of expression or assistance will relieve the madness or the pain or sadness or whatever the overwhelming feelings may be. I have gone there many many times in my life so far and will do so many many more....

I am never alone......

You big softie !!!!

Day 12 **something you never get compliments on**

I never get compliments on my black 2010 sports Audi, my amazing heritage listed home on the cliff at Jenny dixon beach here on the coast… I have never received a compliment on the movies I make, the top 10 seller book I wrote last year… never once. Possibly because I do not own any of those things, nor have I written any books or made any movies.

So to that end I could write an ad infinitum list of the things I don't get compliments about. But for it to be relevant it would have to be something that i could possibly be complimented on but just never am…

There's only one thing i don't get complimented on that i wish I did, not because I want to be noticed for it but because I wish it wasn't so buried that it sometimes seems it doesn't exist in me.

I don't ever get complimented on being a soft, gentle person. Those closest to me say that it's there but it's not my default setting.

I have however been told that I am softening. For now that may have to be enough…

Honesty…

Day 11 **something people seem to compliment you the most on**

I get alot of compliments on my nails but seeing as anyone could have the same thing for fifty dollars a month I figured I might put down one thing that is me.

The thing i get the most compliments on is my honesty, and from that my ability to share myself with others in a way they can relate to. To share not so much the events of my life complete with names, dates and places but to move past that to the more levelling aspects of the human experience, in all it's complexities..

What did I feel when that event happened? Why did I do that? What drives me. What makes me tick. What was the fallout inside me from that situation. I'm fascinated by the human experience, yours and mine.

I have been told that i can cut through huge amounts of event driven chit chat, and get to the core of the human experience and in that, bond. Even if it's just in a moment. It's wonderful.

Oh and also apparently I have great legs ;)

all in good time......

day 10 ** someone you need to let go of or wish you didn't know**


this is a hard one. is it ever my choice to let go? is there an exact moment where the letting go takes place?

how much work do i need to do? what kind of work? how long does it take? if i let it go did it ever really mean anything? did it ever really mean anything so i should let it go?

do i work on letting it go or do i turn away and work on something else in the hope that when i turn back it will be gone?

is the pain i sometimes feel because i cant let it go? or is the pain seemingly attached to that but if it hadn't been that then really, it would've been something else. was the pain was coming anyway?

wanting to let go of someone and wishing you didn't know them can sometimes be one wish in the same..but not always..

in the future, god only knows when, i will have completely let go..as i have of everyone else in my past..but it is not up to me when..the heart exists in a world i have no control over..

but i can control my actions.. and i take actions that tell the universe that i wish to be granted the grace to let go..and then tomorrow i will get up and take another step forward..that is my choice from the list of choices that are mine to make..

Unn & Sis.......

Day 9 **someone you didn't want to let go of but you just drifted apart**

In my early 20s I went to new york for 3 months. When I got back my housemate had a new boyfriend. "unn". That wasn't actually his name but we drank a lot of port one night and got sucked into a late night Swedish movie about 2 teenage lesbians who met and in a short time decided they couldn't live without each other. unn & sis… that was us.

I believe we have soul friends. People we plan to meet before we get here so when we see each other there is that knowing. We don't know why we are drawn to each other but we are.....

So we became unn & sis and for years we were inseparable. But our lives changed. he met someone and moved away to the city. I packed my bags and went traveling around the planet for a few years.

I'm blessed to have had a handful of very close intimate relationships in my lifetime so far. And what i had with unn was unique. He was an amazing, creative and very funny human being. I am honoured to have been someone he spent time with during those years. I did not want to let go of that relationship but I did. And I have. And I have wonderful memories of my unn...

it was who?

day 8 ** someone who made your life hell**

there are a number of people i am going to discuss here!! at least that's what i thought when i first saw the topic.

but under examination i was neither surprised nor shocked to find that i could not sustain any anger or hurt for long enough put a name to it; on the permanent record as such ..an honest look at these so called crimes against my expectations showed i could trace every slight against my person, my bank account, my sense of security or perceived prestige back to a decision i had made somewhere along the line..

and so i, like others who have tackled this question, have had to admit that i have made my life hell. i have also made it alot of great things too and today its wonderful. but the times where i have suffered the most have been the times where i have been unwilling to let go of what is not working, hand it back to the universe where it belongs and move on. the gap between "perhaps this was a mistake but lets try it one more time" and "I'm now ready to let go" is as close to hell as anything i know..

there is no pain in change. it is in the resistance.......

living with grace.....

day 7 ** someone who made your life worth living**

in my early thirties i had some of the most dynamic years I've ever experienced. so much changed in such a short period.

the first and most notable change was my lifestyle. it was the only one i had ever known, was one of constant and ever  increasing excesses and escapism and seemingly suddenly, it stopped...

with the massive hole that left in my life, came a new relationship..

but that relationship didn't last more than a year and i found myself at 34 single, sober and sad. during that time i had the most profound sense of sadness i had ever felt, before or since..

and then grace came into my life..

grace was a brown Burmese.. she was the most gorgeous little creature i had ever held in my hands, had ever had ly in my arms at night..for the first time in my life i had someone that i had to get up for every morning and be there for. to play, to feed, to love, to care for. she needed me and trusted that i would take care of her. for the first time i had to be organised with annual health checks, medical insurance, diets, toys and everything else that goes with having a small sentient being dependant on you..


and grace made my life worth living at a time when i was lost..looking back over that time i learnt that while it is incredible to be loved so unconditionally, so perfectly and with such pure innocence it is actually the love i generated inside my self for her that was healing..

she was gods grace to me....

its ok to sleep now......

day 6 **something you hope you never have to do**

when i was 8 my dad drove us all an hour north of my childhood home to a farm.. when we walked through the gate the owner let her German Shepherds out from the back and a mass of puppies came running our way. but the one at the back, that was bigger than the rest and much slower "ran" to my mum and laid between her feet..

that was Ben..

he came home and kept us safe and amused and occupied for the next 13 years. he was huge and smart and loved his tennis balls. he swam fearlessly  into the waves at the beach and took up way too much room next to you on the lounge. sometimes when i was home from school and he didn't know and thought he was alone, i would hear him crying. he would sit at the gate and howl..until he saw me at the front door..i loved him..

but as he got older his hips started to go..then one day i got a call from my dad to come home. 2 of my brothers, my dad and i stayed with Ben in his own room at the front of the house, while the vet gave him "the shot". i held his paw. his front paw. and he looked into my eyes..i tried not to cry because i didn't want him to be scared.. then he just closed his eyes and went to sleep...

i cried as much today writing this as i did when i left there that day 21 years ago.. some sadness never goes away, you just learn not to go near it..

i hope i never have to hold someone elses hand while they go to sleep...archee, chucky, my brothers, my dad...my soul sister, my beautiful friends...anyone..

but if i am here...then i will...

creativity......

day 5 **something you hope to do in your life**

whenever im unsure about an answer i go back to the question..

what stood out to me were the words that were chosen.. "hope" and "do". much different to "wish" and "have".

Hope tells me its possible and Do tells me its an action that i must take. if i wish to have it, i could just buy it or have it given to me. but to do it? that's different. theres a forward momentum in hope and do that commands a start, something wishing does not...

so many thoughts came initially but none of them resonated in me deeply - until one....

art. and for me that means photography and writing. 2 of my great passions.

even as i write this i can feel that warm satisfaction in my core as i touch the part of me that is connected to something much bigger than me. where the creativity comes from. when i go there i know clearer than i know I'm alive that that is what i hope to do. create and connect. more and more....

i hope to transform my world  into one of continuous creativity. not for profit, not for prestige. for contentment. to share. to connect. as a way of living.......

i hope to exhibit even just once in my life and i trust that if i am meant to write, then i will.. i love the emotive side of taking shots of what i see. and i adore the writing process. *idea *waiting *frustration *joy *wonder at what sometimes comes *feedback *sharing with others .. its better than        anything..

creating is more fulfilling, more humbling and integrating than anything i have ever known..and i have known alot...especially in the 90s ;)

id rather hope than wish..id rather do than have....

we did the best we could.....

day 4 ** something you have to forgive someone for**

have you ever walked away from something knowing it wasn't really resolved? that you didn't really tie up all the loose ends, fix up your end of the bargain? keep your promises... and have you ever done that because you just didn't know any other way to do it at that time, under those set of circumstances...?

i have..and i have had it done to me.

i don't want to say much more about it except that it seems to me the unmanaged romantic relationship brings the most amount of joy and devastation that any relationship can.

and sometimes when its over you just have to forgive the other person and see that maybe they really were doing the best they could with what they had..as we all are...(refer previous post)

"for it is by forgiving that we are forgiven"..st francis

i have loved and been loved and that counts for something...

expectations....

day 3 **something you have to forgive yourself for**

I need to forgive myself for not measuring up to my own expectations. i need to be ok with not being perfect. with being fallible and making lots of mistakes in my life, some of them over and over again.

I need to surrender to how wonderful the people, places and things in my life really are, as they are. I need to accept myself as perfect in all my imperfections.