so you think I'm funny?

day 2 **something i love about myelf**

this challenge is more pleaseant than going through the the list of things i hate about myself, hands down! its harder to write about this topic though. im not sure that i really know why. perhaps its because i tend to spend more time focusing on what i need to work on and change about myself than what is already working. dont know.

what i do know is that it was a mercifully short list and the one i went with was easy to decide on. i seem to be able to make people laugh. really laugh. and  i love to see it when im working with them. on projects, at work, in spiritual groups. wherever i am. Ive been thanked for bringing levity and laughter to what either is already an amusing situation or has the potential to be a heavy or otherwise difficult one.

while it possibly started out as a defense mechanism as a kid, i dont know 100% where it comes from and i dont feel like its something i can plan, or write, or work on. its just there. i can access it anytime and while i love it about myself i also feel that it isnt something i have any control over. so its a gift. being able to feel the energy in a room helps, work with the flow around you, but at the end of the day its a gift. and i wouldnt swap it for anything. i feel very lucky.

the need to be right

day 1 **something i hate about myself**

i started by wondering.....

what is the difference between "really dislike" & "hate".
What is "myself"? is it the way i look? the way i behave? or the way i am?

a few things came to mind.

if its something about the way i look then its either my post 40 (small!) pot belly, the new "character" lines appearing on my face or my Australian dental care style teeth (not so bad, not so Hollywood). nothing to love there. except those things don't make my gut twist when I'm alone. or drive me to distraction and sadness. so I'm thinking that is not hate....

is it something about how i behave? well that would depend on so many variables & be such a complex situation that i could never nail anything down as permanent enough to hate. i can certainly dislike what i do sometimes, but nothing is so devastating or shameful that i cannot find a way to put it down to being human therefore transient.

so then it must be something that i am. something that is fundamentally, maybe even spiritually, who i am....

the question is not asking for the thing i hate about myself "the most", just something. after some quiet time letting it go through my mind it came to me.. and incidentally it could be the thing i hate about myself the most

my pathological, painful, isolating need to be right. interestingly that affects the other 2. when I'm having to be right, at all costs, it affects the way i behave and the way i look. but i never knew I had that need til recently

the reason i hate that about myself is that it causes so many consequences that i don't like. it has taken so much from my life. so much joy & peace. so many potential loving relationships. so many times i haven't tried something, in case i get it wrong. i haven't said something, in case i say it wrong. and the list of consequences goes on. its a list ive added to unwittingly..

i dont spend every moment despising that part of myself or morbidly rehashing that list of consequences,  im aware that its there...which thankfully is less and less now that the curtains have been pulled on this hateful spiritual malady..

**kick** start !!

Well thanks to @jonathagarcia (twitter) I have found a way to kickstart my blog.

I started this a few weeks ago but just a short time into it I fell ill. Very ill for for 2 weeks and I lost momentum. I was wondering how I woud get it back. Then I read on johnathans twitter that he had taken a 30 day writing challenge specifically for his blog. I love writing. I love this blog idea. I love a challenge. And this challenge is so much more exciting than the last one I undertook which involved eating bran every morning and lots of veges..not that theres anything wrong with that but I was uninspired by the outcome. To say the least.

So this challenge involves writing every day for 30 days without fail, on a predetermined topic. The topics are on the right hand side of my post and I will start at day 1 tomorrow.

As I looked through the topics I wanted to start changing them. Adding a few new ones, taking a few out, changing the order around. 5 minutes before I read the list I was stumped! Blocked in the biggest way! mmm perhaps I could just take the suggested road and not worry too much about wether or not its perfectly laid out for me to travel smoothly. Perhaps thats why I am where I am right now. Waiting for the perfect moment to start something is a very long wait indeed.......perhaps its not just writing where I am standing at the turning point wondering which way to turn, hoping I have a perfect route to negotiate before i set out....perhaps over the next 30 days I may learn a little more about that..

And also I hope to give my blogging/twittering/facebooking pals something to ponder/comment on/snigger at/blush about...and share your thoughts with me...after all, this is less about self absorption and more about connection...

not so well...

A slightly sore throat on friday turned into a mild headache on saturday..into a much worse throat by yesterday. Now its monday midday and my head is pounding..my chest is on fire and im so tired..

But all of that is ok. As ok as it is to be physically unwell. What is it though that turns a physical pain into an emotional pain?

Cant write..just wanna go home and go to bed..Need the light inside to be less obscured by mental calamity to be able to write clearly......

And I'm keen to write about the amazing weekend at Arcadia..

55 women. All recovering spiritually from all different sorts of difficulties. So much strength and hope. So much love and support. Never thought Ide be a girly girl who would enjoy that kind of environment. But there you go.

Who knew that getting a fluffy hand made pillow with messages of hope attached, a fridge magnet peg with more mesages of love and support - a hand made make up bag with flowers on it. Who knew these things would touch my heart? Certainly not me. How we change..how life softens us in spite of ourselves sometimes..

fog..

Its 1830 wednesday; hump day. But how does humpday fit into a 24/7 roster? Doesnt really. How does anything fit into a 24/7 roster? Doesnt really.

Gonna spend some time on this blog tonight. Once i deal with my washing machine which decided today that needing me there to program it, turn it  on and be around while it was filling up with water was pointless. Lets bypass the whole human factor and just get this show on the road!!So i have now cleaned up the laundry river and am tempting fate by washing some clothes.mmmm lets see how this goes..

Then Im gonna spend some time on this blog. Once Ive written a list for the packing I need to do for this weekend. Im going to Arcadia. And before anyone else asks me where that is, let me just say...i have no idea. Somewhere south of here? Apparently its beautiful and 60 of my closest spiritually recovering women friends are going so im there. Drive for an hour, put the car on a punt (huh?) for a bit then drive 10kms into the bush. ok. So i need to write the list of everything i need to take. And after that is done....

Im gonna spend some time on this blog tonight. Just as soon as Ive vacuumed the house and ironed my clothes for work tomorrow. And changd the bedding for my "baby" sitter who will come and sit Archee and Chuck. Aunty Jenny is coming kittys..we love her !!

Then Im gonna spend some time on this blog...tonight !! After Ive made dinner and dismantle clothes mountain in the corner over there...

OMG look at the time !!

I have no time for this blog..some other night :-)

so early.....

its 130...need sleep..but here i am working on this..good fun but very bleary eyed