I surrender...

day 25 **have you ever thought about giving up on life and if so when and why?**

i want to say no. i want to say that i possess such an unerring lust for life that nothing and no one has ever ever caused me to lose my inherent will to live. but the truth is, that has not been my experience.

why is it embarrassing to admit that i have given up on life at times. why is there such pressure to be seamlessly carefree and happy. why is it considered weak to, at times, be weak.


i have bounced back. but never before i have hit the bottom.

i used to think that there would be one almighty rock bottom to hit in my life, and i waited and waited to hit that harder than all the rest low. but it seems to me now that each experience of loss or sadness or grief has it own deepest point.

the loss of a parent, the incomparable engulfing disappointment of heartbreak, the seemingly bottomless well of sadness when a little furry baby looks in your eyes for the last time. and the list is longer and theres more to come. and each experience has its own start. its own ebb and flow. and thankfully its own end. before the bounce back. and in some of those moments, more than once and less than a handful of times, i have felt such deep despair at ever healing that for a moment i have given up. i have, more than once looked to the heavens and become still.. with no fight left ...


and i have been shown grace.

each time i have given up i have been shown grace...



its been a while since i last gave up. but i am human. deeply flawed and with such immense potential to burn everything i know in a universal instant, that i simply live here now and trust that grace is watching over me and will carry me when i throw myself down once again. as i will, in my attempt to shed my spiritual maladies..