day 1 **something i hate about myself**
i started by wondering.....
what is the difference between "really dislike" & "hate".
What is "myself"? is it the way i look? the way i behave? or the way i am?
a few things came to mind.
if its something about the way i look then its either my post 40 (small!) pot belly, the new "character" lines appearing on my face or my Australian dental care style teeth (not so bad, not so Hollywood). nothing to love there. except those things don't make my gut twist when I'm alone. or drive me to distraction and sadness. so I'm thinking that is not hate....
is it something about how i behave? well that would depend on so many variables & be such a complex situation that i could never nail anything down as permanent enough to hate. i can certainly dislike what i do sometimes, but nothing is so devastating or shameful that i cannot find a way to put it down to being human therefore transient.
so then it must be something that i am. something that is fundamentally, maybe even spiritually, who i am....
the question is not asking for the thing i hate about myself "the most", just something. after some quiet time letting it go through my mind it came to me.. and incidentally it could be the thing i hate about myself the most
my pathological, painful, isolating need to be right. interestingly that affects the other 2. when I'm having to be right, at all costs, it affects the way i behave and the way i look. but i never knew I had that need til recently
the reason i hate that about myself is that it causes so many consequences that i don't like. it has taken so much from my life. so much joy & peace. so many potential loving relationships. so many times i haven't tried something, in case i get it wrong. i haven't said something, in case i say it wrong. and the list of consequences goes on. its a list ive added to unwittingly..
i dont spend every moment despising that part of myself or morbidly rehashing that list of consequences, im aware that its there...which thankfully is less and less now that the curtains have been pulled on this hateful spiritual malady..
great read.i think you're going to have an excellent journey of self realization.too often when we look inside ourselves and find something we realize is...unattractive,we look away and (at least try to)pretend it's not there.and thereby refuse to deal with.seems to me you've picked a very useful way to deal...
ReplyDeletesorry to be so wordy.it's why i don't chat a lot on twitter